Maladjusted and Clever.
Superstitions, why there hasn't been a Sunday Mourning post and accidentally talking about The Smiths for longer than planned.
RABBIT RABBIT. Traditionally, saying “rabbit, rabbit” on the first of each month is believed to bring luck and financial gain. I learned this from my mother when I was a kid, but I only started saying it as I got older because Jawbreaker sings in Jinxremoving “Blew twelve and kissed the thirteenth finger / "Rabbit, rabbit" on the first / I hold my breath / Did tricks, I hoped you wouldn't notice / A superstitious hyperrealist /I'll make you mine.” Young girls are NOTORIOUS for not listening to their mothers in the prime of their youth — only when we get older do we appreciate a mother’s natural wisdom. So, before going to bed tonight, be sure to say “Rabbit, rabbit.” (Side note, Frank Iero of My Chemical Romance has a "Jinx Removing” tattoo on his neck which he got because he’s a big Jawbreaker fan).
Now, please bear with me while explain why I have chosen a still from A Taste Of Honey. A Taste of Honey is a 1961 film adaptation of the 1958 play. It was a progressive movie, covering poverty, an interracial couple, single motherhood, and other topics that were taboo at the time. There is a scene between the couple where Jo says “Dream of me!” and in response, Jimmy proclaims “Dreamt you last night! Fell out of bed twice.” Later on in the film, Jo and Geoffrey are talking and Geoffrey tells her, “The dream is gone,” to which Jo says, “But the baby is real.” Nineteen years after the movie’s release, The Smiths formed in Manchester. The dialogue in the movie inspired Morrissey and in 1984, they released Reel Around the Fountain and The Night Has Opened My Eyes. Reel Around the Fountain is known for the lyrics “I dreamt about you last night and I fell out of bed twice.” The Night Has Opened My Eyes lyrics are as followed “Oh, he said he'd cure your ills / But he didn't and he never will / Oh, save your life / Because you've only got one / The dream has gone / But the baby is real / Oh, you did a good thing.”
And because I still am a pretentious indie kid at heart (do you think these bangs happened by accident? My heart still aches when I think about how Ben Gibbard and Zooey Deschanel divorced, 2012 was rough for me), a lof the artists I listen to love to read, watch French New Wave films and wear tweed. By default, they are inspired by The Smiths (and Joy Division too, of course) and tend to mention/reference them in songs. Ten years after The Smiths released “Sheila, Take a Bow,” Owen Ashworth created his solo act Casiotone for the Painfully Alone. In 2003. he related Twinkle Echo which had many The Smiths references. The first song titled To My Mr.Smith, is about a man with deep feelings and how he hides them away — Morrissey is oh so tortured and intellectual. The song Jeane, If You’re Ever in Portland seems to be inspired by The Smiths’ Jeane. But the song that led us here is Toby, Take a Bow which is clearly a nod to The Smiths’ Sheila, Take A Bow. CFTPA’s song also references There Is A Light That Never Goes Out, and Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now.
I've never seen you so awful
I found you at the bottom of a Russian novel
Gold medal and a crown
A cardigan and a frown
All maladjusted and clever
The greatest Smiths fan ever
Your picture in the papers
The captions shout
"There is a boy and he never goes out"
That same song on repeat
You haven't left the house in weeks
Won't even come out for dinner
Toby Grace, world record winner
I guess you thought it'd make you feel better somehow
But heaven knows you're miserable now
Heaven knows you’re miserable now
Heaven knows you’re miserable now
So Toby take a bow
In case you missed it, the title of this blog post comes from the song above (it is also the bio I have on my Twitter.) Since we’re on the topic of The Smiths/Morrissey “Little Lamb on a Hill” is a lyric from Morrisey’s Yes I Am Blind “Little lamb on a hill, run fast if you can. The Christians, they want to kill you and your life has not even begun.” And “Sunday Mourning” is borrowed from his song Friday Mourning.
Everything I like is always a reference of a reference of a reference. It drives me up the wall. Reading this might have been a doozy but at least you don’t have to hear me talk about it.
Speaking of Sunday Mourning, I haven’t posted a recap in 3 weeks due to the everyday trivialities of life weighing me down. I have (re)read one book in the last 2 weeks and am slowly reading “How Not To Kill Yourself: The Portrait of a Suicide Mind.” (Genuinely unsure if you’ll be able to read the link because it’s for The New York Times and I pay for the digital newspaper.) I asked Paola for this book for my birthday, she hesitated but finally gave in and I’m glad she did. I want to share with you an excerpt from the preface alone:
I’ve lived nearly all my life with two incompatible ideas in my head: I wish I were dead and I’m glad my suicides failed. I’ve never once thought, If only I’d successfully killed myself, I would have been spared all this living I’ve done." And yet when I’m feeling like my life has been a complete waste, my first thought is Okay then, go kill yorself now. Or rather, I tend to think along very concrete lines, such as I’d better just hang mysel, because I don’t have any poison, and if I order some, I’ll have lost my nerve by the time it gets here. And it’s important that I do this right now, while my thinking is clear. (Which show you how confused I actually am.)
*please forgive any typos above, I typed it all out because, for some reason, I didn’t think to see if there were any quotes online.
It’s easy to relate to people with their depression, jokes about wanting to kill themselves, and even suicidal ideation, but living through a failed suicide attempt, well that’s a different story. That is much harder to make someone understand so I don’t even try. But the quote above perfectly sums it up. Don’t worry, I’m trying really hard to keep myself alive and I seem to be doing okay at it — though it’s not without its complications.
I originally planned on doing something different with this blog post. I was on my daily walk at Golden Gate Park and could not stop thinking about blogging which excited me. For some reason, Breathless was in my head a lot this evening. It got me thinking about how I wrote a paper on it for one of John’s classes and how we would have Zoom meetings just to talk, and how he told me to go to City Lights. That reminded me of when Marino came up here in September of 2022 and I tried to take him to Vesuvio (next to City Lights) but it was packed so we ended up walking to a park. And how that walk reminded me of the walk Patricia and Michael share in Breathless for no reason other than it just did, and how before I moved, Marino had an interest in French New Wave films which made me so happy.
Everything is a reference of a reference of a reference.
I could go on, but it’s nearing 11 pm, my next-door neighbor is having a party and the neighbors above me are working out— it’s going to be a long night! Thank you all for making it to the end of this random post!
Until next time,
A.